The Politeness Paradox

This came up in my presentation to a leadership group at the Ontario Girl Guides of Canada last week.

“Should we stop saying ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ to AI?”

It might sound trivial, but how we talk to AI matters, to us and to the planet. Every word uses a little more energy and water, and every habit shapes how we relate to each other.

The room was divided. Some were firmly on the “Stop Saying Thank You To AI“ side, while others were less sure.

Every extra word in a prompt means a bit more computation, electricity, and cooling water. Multiply that by millions of users and—voilà—politeness has an environmental footprint. Sam Altman suggested it costs Open AI “tens of millions of dollars” .

So yes, technologically, “thank you” costs something. But is the solution really to stop being polite?

The Efficiency Argument

A large language model charges us (and the planet) by the token. “Please,” “thank you,” and “could you kindly” are non-essential words, so removing them trims cost and processing time. In the pure logic of machines and servers, courtesy starts to look like waste.

But I’m not ready to toss manners out just yet.

Here’s why: I’m confident we could design the system to ignore or compress those extra polite words—so we don’t have to feel conflicted about saying “thank you.”

In other words: the fix could be computational, not behavioural.

The Mirror Effect

Politeness also has an unexpected upside: it improves the model’s tone.

Because these systems mirror us, the way we speak shapes the way they respond. Start your prompt with irritation, and you’ll often get curt or brittle prose back. Start with warmth and you’re more likely to get back something friendly or helpful. That feedback loop is social, not technical.

Every “please” and “thank you” is a micro-signal training us and the machine to keep a cooperative tone.

Here’s the fun part: being polite might make your AI output better—which might mean you can get the job done with fewer queries…saving money, electricity and water!

The Human Spillover

I’m less worried about wasted words than about wasted empathy.

We already use social norms to navigate AI. In fact, using social norms is essential for helping us navigate this technology. If we train ourselves to drop politeness in digital spaces “because it’s efficient,” how long before that norm spills back into human conversation?

There’s research showing that how we treat AI can affect how we treat people afterward. I suspect the spillover won’t take long.

Maybe saying “thank you” to AI is less about the machine and more about us.

It’s a small daily practice of respect—for ourselves, and each other.

My Take (for now)

So yes, what I’m calling “The Politeness Paradox” is real: every polite prompt uses more energy, but every impolite habit erodes a little of our social grace.

(Although I’m thinking the paradox might turn out to be that those ‘Thank You’s cost, but also save🤞.)

So, for now I’m staying on the ‘thank you’ side of the ledger.

The cost of kindness feels like a good investment.

Your Turn

Do you thank AI?

Have you noticed it changes your results, or your mood?

Email, DM me or leave a comment. As someone studying AI trust, I’m curious how you navigate your own Politeness Paradox.